Laments
(for Tommy)

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I'm using this page as my cyber-diary and, only because it seems that cyberspace is where those little scraps of paper that collect my thoughts, are formed into a heart's filing cabinet on this website.  It is really not intended that these words impress anyone, nor my desire to share them with the world.  If you happened in here, then you must have been spending some time at my site.  I lost the "love of my life" in November of 1996 and my ongoing therapy is in jotting down the following words, which come to me (often in the middle of watching television).  Perhaps there is a kindred spirit in the world who might understand...

My Darkness

Tiptoeing, tremulously
As tho on ballet dancer's feet
I tread this now, cold world
without you.

Unsteady my gait and wary my eyes
As I progress along this path
Unchosen by me, called "Fate".
Questioning what lies ahead at each dawn...
And relinquishing myself to the dark at night.

I huddle within myself,
Afraid to venture into the light of love again
Afraid to listen to "our songs"...
For fear my tears will never cease!




So hard, my beloved, to live
Without your sure and steady heart,
beating in "sync" with mine,
On this, God's earth ~


Yet, knowing I must go on living, I take
One breath, followed by another ...
And then one more


Until my last breath is done...
I shall love you ...
Up 'til and beyond Eternity!

(1/14/98)
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Sometimes, when the wind
   whispers gently through the trees
I feel the pain in my heart ease.

Sometimes, as I listen to the trickle
   of my little waterfall.
I don't miss you at all

And sometimes, as I hear
   the birds sing,
My sadness is replaced by smiling

There are even times when
   listening to a love song
Doesn't turn the tears on!

Does all this mean I've forgotten you?
The writing of "this" says it's just not true?


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To My Special Angel
I embrace the essence
   of what was once "You"
in the treasures you gave me!

I'd have devoured you with my love
...and left no part of you untouched
You were my beginning,
my middle, and sadly, my end.

I'll not give love another chance ...
Preferring to savor the memories we shared,
The hopes we dreamed
And the promises we made to one another.

Unbidden tears push against my closed eyelids
and force themselves out to
Roll down my cheeks in a steady rivulet of salt.
(No need to bother blotting them --
there will only be more

I miss you my darling,
In so many, many ways
My sorrow is endless ~
My life has no lustre
Without you in it.

I beg your spirit to stay with me and,
When my "time" has come,
That you will help me find
"our place" in God's Heaven!

For now, please don't chastise me
as I weep!
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Traces

All that is left of you
is captured in time.
All of the essence ~
the feelings sublime.

Remnants of your voice
Seek out my ears in
The dead of night
...and my heart takes flight

Clutching a tee shirt now
Worn by a bear
Is better than empty arms
Reaching out in thin air.

...and do you care if I spritz
Your "Old Spice"
...on my pillow -- or my arm
Call me crazy -- but it sure smells nice!

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Sunday - May 30, 1998

I never knew what
	"lonely" was ~
'Til I glanced -- then spoke...
(to your picture)
	Like you were someone I knew!

They'll call me CRAZY" --
	but I don't care
When I talk to your picture
	I "know" that you're there!

Ah, what wonderful "talks"
	The two of us share...
AND I always get the last word in --
...not that I care.



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Memorial Day ~ 1998

Somewhere on a misty hilltop ~
Embracing wildflowers' petals
	heavy with dew...
I'll arrive on wings of angels
	Just to be with YOU!

The light of dawn will be
	glorious!
...unlike any I've ever seen
While our angels sing their
	CHORUS...
for us no "in between".

We'll finally hold each other
As we promised way back "when"
And OUR love will remain immortal...
(thanks to God!)

			Amen!!!
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Sunday ~ August 2, 1998
Unbidden tears
roll down my cheeks
Cascading, like so many
small rivulets,
to my sodden pillow
as I try to drift
into the nothingness of sleep...

Praying each night that
I'll awaken --
Not here on earth --
...but with you in Heaven.

Tonight was different!
Propelled from bed
to find a pen and paper,
I felt I must write these words...
...so that others might read them,
(and "understand")
in the event my wishes come true! 
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A dichotomy - 4/20/99
It's great to live alone
Knowing that every call
is just for you --
'cause it's YOUR PHONE.
...and let those dishes soak
in the sink
So you can enjoy your
after-dinner drink.
GEE, it's great to live alone!
I could go on and on
About the pleasures of
only me...my memories...
and my privacy ~
But, I don't want to bore you
With how well I am doing,
Protecting myself from
all the "billing & cooing".
But -- I've got to admit
There ARE times I have doubt
about this live I've chosen...
Living "within" is living "without".
I'm tempted, at times,
I'm willing to admit this.
But my towels will always
say "HERS" and no "HIS".  :(
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Can a lost love sustain me
The rest of my life?
I promised FOREVER
When I became his cyber-wife.
How can I reconcile "you and me"
With promises made to someone about "ETERNITY"
(AND REALLY FEEL "ALONE"?)
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I don't need to Light the Candle to see YOU
Your essence is locked in my heart
Your image embedded in my brain
Your voice in my ears, like a whisper...
Tho' you're gone -- we're really never apart!
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1/5/2000
So many thoughts
run through my head...

How many lonely nights
'til I'm dead?
Why can't I find the one
To confide in -- to hide in?
EASY!
Because it's always --
and will ever be
"you" alone!
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2/17/2000 (For Toni Moffitt)
Through an angel's heart
I found my miracle
...and he led me down the path of love.
And that angel (named Toni) blessed us
And all the love we shared
Tho' she was already high above.
We knew it was a blessing
And treated it as such...
Cherishing every moment
Feeling every touch.
Well, I now know why that angel
Chose ME to be his wife.
Because he needed someone strong --
To be there for what was left of his life.
My thanks to you, my special angel.
Through you I found my heart.
And tho' you're both in Heaven now,
I "know" we're all never far apart.
May you both stay safe and sound in Heaven
And guide this wretched soul who toils on earth below.
I'm sure you already know ~
I tried so hard to do my part in God's divine plan --
And lost my heart FOREVER to that dear man.
 
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4/28/2000
The heart is a tender place...
which is deeper, higher and wider...
...and yet, when it is broken,
it somehow survives!
WHY???
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Through the thin whisper of 
a veil of tears --
An angels appears
Beckoning to me...
And a lightweight
shroud of cobwebby clouds
Come to clothe my fears
But ONLY confuse me!
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5/3/2000

My aching heart
has gone to a deeper place...
The tears that fall
leave only a faint, light trace
Do I still love you?
Tho' the sobs have turned silent
Do you wonder where my grief went?
NOWHERE!  It's here...
...and I still love you with all my heart
And let me tell you
Are ALL my heart will ever need!
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A Letter to Tommy (Saturday - 8/19/2000)
The incredible loneliness of missing you hasn't diminished with time.
The acute ache in my heart -- the tears that well in my eyes -- 
make me realize that the yearning for "what might have been" will never end.
Somehow, I thought that the pain would be lessened after 4 years.  
All I can say is that the pain is less frequent, but just as intense as it was 
the first time I heard those fateful words, "He's gone!"
I refuse to believe that a soul doesn't linger to keep watch on a soul who is still here on earth, suffering.
Why is it I listen to music or TV and "know" it's what we BOTH would like?  Masochistic?  
I think NOT!  Just the need to feel close to you, rather than ANYONE ELSE in my life.  
I hope, by my listening/watching that you are experiencing all with me 
(including the solitary walks on the beach).
I hope you hear my voice, every day -- when I awake and when I lie in bed at night -- just saying (out loud) 
"I LOVE YOU, TOMMY'.
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September  9, 2000
What's eternity without you
I'll save the time --
Put it in my sheet of memories
Will that help me find you?
When my soul from my body flees...
And I'm soaring upward with wings --
(no footstep misspent)?
I don't want to make this journey alone
Without the promise of a heart waiting
That's mine to own!
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September 17, 2000
I know that truth's 
leaden feet
Cannot a senator nor
president unseat.
Yet, somehow justice
prevails
Through the tallest of
tales
And can bring skeptics to 
their feet.
Don't ask me why -- I just "know"
That truth -- tho' deliberate and slow
Will chafe at those who
lie to themselves and to others ...
Because, in THIS WORLD, we are all brothers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do I feel the need to expound
On truths as yet unfound?
Who deemed me a "preacher"
God knows, I can only
Be (maybe) called a "teacher".
Yet, here I scribble
My unique drivel
And (without a snivel)
Send my words out into Space
Knowing time and circumstance will signify 
"ERASE"
So Be It!!!
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September 28, 2000
It took my whole life to find you
And then your life was gone
Where is the justice?
Neither of us won!
Doomed from the start,
We explored a future
And made promises from our hearts
To love and to nurture!
Time lost the battle for us here on earth...
Yet I'll always love ONLY YOU
For what that's worth!
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Sunday - 10/15/2000
Our journey isn't over
Thru time & space
And our destination isn't known...
...perhaps a distant place
So, take my love along with you
As you proceed me "there"
And I shall keep you in my heart
And --
I'll listen for the sign
That tells me "when" -- then "where"
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TIME
Time will show us 
SOMEWHERE
If we play the patience game
And listen for the coo of birds
After a gentle rain.
Time will show us
SOMEHOW
That we haven't loved & Lost
Tho' summer's winds
pretend to hide
The heart's protective frost.
"Time" seems such a simple word
Until you wait in vain
For it to help the healing of omnipresent pain.
10/24/2000
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Sometimes
Sometimes the simple
things -- like LOVE
Become so very complicated
...and we can't rise above
The simple understanding
That LOVE is feeling...
-- through and through
Between the two of us!
(Yes, I mean "me and you")!
10/31/2000
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VISIONS IN THE MIND
(Full Moon - 11/11/2000)
Another damned night alone
TV the same -- even friends on the phone
Not that I want a change in my life
It's only because I miss being his wife
He's been gone almost four years and
His t-shirt is disintegrating because of my tears
A king-size bed -- ??? What for?
When I sleep on just one side --
(Might as well sleep on the floor!)
Am I mad?  You bet!
Hard as I try I can't forget
I wish I could just stop my mind
From all the memories I can't leave behind!
Damn the nights and damn the days
Bless me Lord for my errant ways ~
It's just that I miss him so much
That I'd give my soul for his last touch.
I'll muddle through.
Four years is just too soon...
And that's why I'm a bit crazy
On this full moon!
(Oh well, tomorrow's another day ~ )
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11/22/2000
(Just one month before your birthday and one day before Thanksgiving)
I loved you from the start
Even tho' I somehow "knew"
my heart would break apart.
I "knew" you had to go
Right after we first said hello.
Just a matter of time
("They" said we'd have more)
Yeah, a matter of TIME!
NO -- death knocked early on your door!
(and TONIGHT I can't write any more)
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Saturday Night - 11/25/2000
DEAR SANTA ~
Bring me to the end
of a broken heart.
Somehow, inside,
I've fallen apart.
Perhaps a few stitches of
time are in order
To keep my tears inside and
my mind within sanity's border.
Oh, Santa, I know I'm
asking for a lot
But it's the season to
wish for gold in a pot!
Well, I don't want riches ...
(I had them with him)
Now, I know my chances for love
are beyond being slim.
So, my holiday wish for ME
Is that I continue to survive
What was "not meant to be" ~
 
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